I’m posting this today––having written it last night. My performance in NYC is tonight…
I write this on the night before a concert that I’ll be doing at Rockwood Music Hall, in New York City. I’ve performed there before, on each of their three stages, but something feels different this time…some change is happening in me.
As my band and I practiced today at the rehearsal studio I felt it, and felt it clearly: it’s a feeling of being comfortable in my skin. I am, and I’ve never quite felt this way before.
My sister’s dog just had two little puppies a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been eagerly watching them grow and change via Skype, whenever I’ve had the chance. The two pups just opened their tiny little eyes yesterday for the first time. They’ve had to rummage around with their eyes shut for the full length of their short little lives. How amazing it must be to have the world emerge in full color…! (However a dog sees it…) To have it all come into focus…! (Though I don’t think they’re quite there yet…) And to gradually fill up that loose coat of skin and fuzzy furriness that they exist in, and become proportionate with their large and clumsy paws.
Yup, its quite a journey of discovery and adventure..!
I suppose I identify with the concept of growing into one’s own skin. I identify with wearing a new role and a new identity loosely at first and gradually becoming familiar with it, and accepting of it. There have been moments as I’ve begun performing the music of my new album where I’ve been surprised about how my voice ends up coming out of my mouth sounding different, and stronger than before. There have been moments on stage, where I’ve been rocking out with my band, and with my electric guitar, and feeling like “Huh? I’m a rock-chick now? When the fuck did this happen?” But it happened. Gradually, and totally naturally. And a “rock chick” is not all that I am. I’m a fully three-dimensional human being, and being a rocker, too, is a part of me. All the sensitivity I ever had is still in me, but so is this new confidence and strength and badassness. To quote Margaret Atwood: “There is never only one, of anyone.” I am not the same woman I was before. I am different and I’m the same, at the same time, if that makes sense.
So, I’m no longer freaked out by the fact that I’m louder and bolder than before. My bark matches my bite, and I’m ok with that. It’s ironic that I make an analogy here about dogs, having declared on my album that I am in fact a wolf, not a dog….But you get my gist. To me, life is not worth living unless I’m constantly attempting to fill up a new coat of skin. That to me is the best stuff that life is made of! Blessed are those moments when you feel it all fits comfortably…perfectly. For that too is a passing phase.