One of my biggest challenges as a human being is staying consistent. I pick the ball up and I drop the ball regularly in almost every area of my life. And even though I could, I’m deciding not to blame anyone else for this trait of mine, at least for the length of time that it takes to write this blog. Hehe… But seriously, it is my responsibility and I humbly take it.
I have only become aware of this “character defect” of mine within the last few years. I first understood the effects of it in my little niece and nephew, who eagerly awaited my weekly Skype-call on Thursdays. Then Thursdays turned into Tuesdays, and then to Saturdays, and then I skipped week… And finally I was back on my game on Thursdays. (Does this sound a bit like the scheduling of my blog? ;)) My little niece spontaneously e-mooned me one time after a particularly long lapse in my communication. She meant it too..! My heart still melts at the remembrance of her tiny derriere on my computer screen. It’s nice to be loved and needed, but love and trust require consistency, and man, I’m still working on it.
There is a fun brain-training website called Lumosity.com, that I’ve ironically become quite steady about. As a (former) video-game addict, logging on every day (!for 15 minutes!) is rather easy for me…. There’s a particular game on the site that trains your divided attention skills, called Playing Koi. The object is to feed several erratically moving fish in a pond, while constantly being vigilant as to which fish you’ve fed and which ones you haven’t. You only have as many food pellets to give as there are fish. Thus if you accidentally feed one fish two pellets, then you’ve left another one hungry. This is not an easy game, I tell you..!
I think about that game when it comes to all those areas of my life that I want to keep healthy and nourished. I only have a limited amount of “food pellets” available to give to any given relationship, to any given part of my work, to my hobbies, to educating myself, etc. During the last couple of years my life has grown to hold many more friends, activities and opportunities than it ever has before, and sometimes I find myself reeling — feeling like there are not enough hours in a day. There are way more fish to feed in my pond than even a few months ago, and I can get overwhelmed at times.
What’s happening is that I am leveling up. It’s higher stakes now, but I am not about to complain about something that I’ve always wanted. Luckily, when I drop the ball these days, it’s not quite in the way that I used to do in the past. I pick it up much faster now. Nevertheless, adjusting to a new status quo takes some time.
So, I’ll cut myself some slack, as I know that I’m absolutely doing the best I can today, and I am learning to be ever more stable, and ever more present for work, and for the people that I love. Life itself is consistently inconsistent; my goal is to keep all the beloved fishes in my pond fed and happy regardless; my own fish-self included.
So, you can expect my blog-post on Thursdays. Or Tuesdays. Or perhaps occasionally on Fridays… Whatever the day ends up being, I’m on it.