As I’ve been peeling away the layers of the onion that is my life, trying to get to the the core, I have had many surprising realizations. Things that I thought were one way, ended up being completely another way after all–I simply needed to change my perspective. In these last couple of years, as I have freed myself of much unnecessary anxiety and fear, I have come to realize that not all of it was caused by events in my past and my relationships. Underneath the tension was a new layer I hadn’t grasped yet… Some of my unease is simply caused by the way my particular brain works.
I hate to say this, but I am easily “distracted by the shiny”. This means that I often find it challenging to concentrate on tasks at hand, on conversations, on movies that I watch and books that I read… Turns out my brain is firing too fast and frequently gets into a traffic jam…and thus gets pulled out of whatever I’m doing. I always thought that absentmindedness is merely a problem of the dim-witted, and those wishing to remain ignorant. But I have come to understand that this is a challenge for many intelligent people too. I for one have been dealing with it all my life, without fully realizing it. Perhaps therein lies one reason why for a long time I wasn’t deemed particularly intelligent by people around me. And why I didn’t think of myself as particularly intelligent either…
As of yet, I have not been diagnosed as having a disorder signified by a combination of any of these letters: A, D, D and/or H. But nevertheless, I have come to realize that my life will be immeasurably improved by using some of the skills that work for people who have that/those disorder(s). This means that my future literally holds a number of alarms going off at different times of day. If I don’t time my tasks, I get carried away and I lose track of what I was doing and how much time I’ve been spending doing it. My problem is focusing: I easily go from one extreme to the other. To focus, in a healthy way, is exactly what I’m going to teach myself to do.
I love my brain. I love how it thinks and how it works; I love the connections that it makes. But it’s got its pitfalls, and I feel lucky to have discovered (some of) them, so as to be able to do something proactive about them. This is a layered, complex issue, and explaining it fully would take a lot more space than this. Thus, I readily admit to having oversimplified what it is I’m experiencing right now. But I’m facing this phase with curiosity and excitement, with the understanding that with knowledge comes power. The more I comprehend how my grey matter functions, the more I can extract its creativity, its imagination, its humor, its mastery, its consciousness…. I can hardly wait.
“Every man can, if he so desires, become the sculptor of his own brain”
― Santiago Ramón y Cajal