“I want death to find me planting my cabbages.”
– Michel Eyquem De Montaigne 1533-1592
I am discovering that I love working hard. I’m finding a peace in keeping my mind and body occupied, after a long period of ruminating and trying to fathom all that has happened within me and around me in my life so far. I feel like I’ve reached a spot where I want to start putting all of my tortured history behind me and moving on to fulfill my dreams and my potential. Through all the work that I’ve done on myself, I find that my fears have dissipated sufficiently, that I’m finally a truly functional human being. Perhaps it will take a moment before I’m a thriving human being, but I’m sure that time will come too. I am well on my way.
It is a bit sad to think that after all this work I’ve done, I’m still at a square one of sorts. Yes, I have a lot of knowledge and understanding, layers and depth that most people at a square one don’t have, but I am still learning some of the basics of life and living. But what I can really be proud of is that I’m here and I’ve done all this work. Motherfucker.
This moment is a rebirth for me, and yes, there was a kind of death that preceded it… Like Literature Professor Charles Feidelson, Jr. said: “Life is a series of little deaths out of which life always returns.” This rebirth is a different sort for me though, as I feel like I’m emerging stronger than ever before. I truly feel ready to conquer my demons and move past them to do what it is I’m here to do. Action is key.