I was just lying on the floor for a long time, listening to music, (Piers Faccini and Kings of Convenience..) experimenting on relaxation and inner peace… Ah, what a revelation! Do people really live like this? At peace with themselves? I want it. Badly. Old habits die hard, and it has required substantial amounts of rewiring of my brain to even allow myself to relax. Though people tend to see me as quite zen on the outside (..?), I have always been full of turmoil.
Figuring out some important piece about life one day doesn’t mean that one remembers it on the next. So far, the pendulum is always swinging… This has become very obvious to me throughout my process of healing. My life has for a while felt like a series of triumphs and relapses, back to back at varying intervals. The hardest habit for me to kick is negative thinking. That shit was pumped into my veins and into my consciousness ever since I was a child… But it is probably hard to find a human being in this world who is as determined to be free from negative thoughts. For me it is a matter of life and death… But in all honesty, I think it is that for everyone. One cannot truly Live, if one is inundated with negativity.
The good thing about pendulums is that they eventually stop swinging. Apparently due to friction and gravity… My pendulum is certainly slowing down. I’m creating both the friction and the gravity by becoming more and more focused on Truth and Reality, goddammit. Those two very rarely correspond to the negative depictions of the mind. This is merely accurate. Where the pendulum stops must lie some sort of peace. I see glimpses of it already.
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment”
– Marcus Aurelius (my hero!)