I have spent most of this last year avoiding people. No joke.
I guess I just had to get my head straight, after so many years of listening to others instead of myself. But I believe my reclusive phase is gradually ending now. How so? I joined the fuckin’ YMCA!
Because of the way I grew up, I had gotten into a dynamic of submission with pretty much everyone in my life. It never even occurred to me that I had a right to voice my feelings, or stick up for myself… So much so, that I eventually stopped recognizing my emotions. I did what I was told to, I went where I was told to; The Nothing had taken over me… I’m still learning to kick this pattern of behavior, but I’m Very aware of it now.
I find it almost impossible to watch videos of myself, from even a couple of years back. Who is this girl with the blank stare–disconnected, scared and sad? I don’t recognize her at all, anymore. Considering the convictions and the fire that I have these days, I find it excruciating, that I can’t shake that girl into waking up. Watching myself, it looks like nobody’s home. And unfortunately, having lived through it, I actually know that’s mostly the case. I was suppressing my whole persona.
I am going to quote the frickin’ United States Declaration of Independence here, written primarily by a dude named Thomas Jefferson:
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”
Though we are still, as individuals, and as a whole, in the process of learning what the above statement really means, (Thomas Jefferson didn’t even fully comprehend it himself….) I believe we are moving in the right direction.
And as for me personally, I will no longer be scared of people. I know that I can stick up for myself. Now that I know I have the right to.
Off to the YMCA; back into community.–>