Rage. I’m back to rage. Oh wait, I never even felt this before!
This is something else, not just the anger that I’ve been feeling regularly…..
Apparently there’s a lot of aggression in me too. Great.
This is all a part of my little “Know Thyself”-project.
Some years ago, I took a couple of kickboxing classes and promptly stopped, as I realized that going out in the street afterward, I just wanted to kill everyone. Lol! That was a little worrisome, to say the least! But truth be told, I’m so thankful this is coming out now, as it’s been there all along anyway. Me turning this shit inward has made me very weak. It’s better to experience it and get it out.
There’s actually a comical quality to this: as I write this, I have already twice had to to drop down and do push-ups to let off some steam. How can this feeling be so fucking overwhelming??? I finally understand the concept of anger management…
The way some people notoriously can’t contain their shit at all. Yes, it is hard, I can see it now. I find myself wanting to break stuff (windows especially), kick doors, the subway (that would have been very stupid)… But, in the end, I am sane. I know that there’s some benefits to be had here: muscle strength, vocal strength, rock-leaning guitar skills… I think I’ll keep to the healthy stuff.
Even though killing certain people seems more tempting than ever (in the most brutal ways), I am in no danger of acting on my wild fantasies. Perhaps this is what they call trusting oneself… Perhaps this is the ultimate test for being secure in yourself… Perhaps this is it: I’m facing my own darkness! Perhaps one of these days my demons will turn in to angels…
Three sets of push-ups man, to write this.