Old patterns die hard. I have become aware that many unhealthy scenarios in my life have been repeating all my life…at least, up until now. Once such a scenario in my life has come to an end, I have swiftly put myself into a very frickin’ similar one. The play is the same–even the characters are the same, only the actors change… Why is familiar so comforting even when familiar is fucked up..? Because it feels normal. How am I to know what else is possible, if I have no frame of reference for it in my life?
My energy invites a similar, corresponding energy, which is why shit keeps on repeating, unless I change myself. But how do I change? When my patterns are so ingrained, that I can’t even recognize them as they happen? Seems I am able to create scenes from the same messed up play from seemingly harmless ingredients..?
I think that in awareness lies the answer. Whether it’s in the moment, or after the fact.
In the past I haven’t realized how much power I have over situations at all times. I used to think that making a decision meant that you have to stick with it forever, and that there’s no way out. That you are then merely required to make the best of whatever situation you may have put yourself into. This, I now find, is not true. We are allowed to change our minds at any point. And “no.” is a complete sentence. The hardest thing is to be brave enough to change course when it feels right, or alternately, when something feels wrong.
I’m creating a different play now. It’s still quite confusing, as I haven’t fully grasped my new role as the director… I still keep waiting for someone to tell me what’s going on–to tell me what to do. But I am learning to figure it out for myself.
To be a good director, I need vision. Of my own. Motherfuckers.