When I started writing this blog last year, I commented on how reclusive I was becoming. For the first time in my life, I was spending time alone, a feat that I had dreaded for most of my teenage and adult years. Spending time with myself wasn’t much fun in the past, as for a long time I had been becoming very judgmental of myself: blaming, guilt-tripping, chastising… I had learned these thoughts and behaviors from others, but within my head, they became relentless and more painful, than what anybody else had ever managed to do to me. There was no way to escape myself, except through dependency on various people and substances.
As the fog is lifting, I wouldn’t call myself reclusive anymore. More accurately, it turns out that I am an introvert. At least right now in my life I am. As I become kinder to myself, I happily spend most of my time on my own. Don’t get me wrong, I love my close friends, though they may be fewer than before. I just find that the stronger the connection I have with myself, the deeper the feelings I am able to feel for others. And thus, my priority right now is to become whole, within me. A happy couple of sorts (with myself), so I won’t need to depend on anything else or
anyone else for my happiness.
Being an artist, I always had this misconception, that I was supposed to be outgoing and ‘on’ all the time. The truth is that for me, being that way is only achieved through copious amounts of alcohol. So it must be, that that doesn’t come naturally to me. Don’t you think? How about I just go with what’s true and what feels good? Why the fuck not.
Instead of right and wrong, I’m learning to think in terms of healthy versus unhealthy. We are all different, and no one rule applies, except maybe:
“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”