I dreamed last night that I was having a drink at a bar, whilst telling someone that I haven’t been drinking for 10 months. To which I added, “but you know, I’ll have a drink every now and then, with friends.” The first part is actually true.
I was pretty traumatized by this dream, because it reminded me of a certain peer pressure I used to feel. How I’d do most things in my life, just to please others. I was horrified that I’d succumbed to it, once again. My biggest fear in life, at this point, is that somehow I end up losing myself again. After all this hard work that I’ve done to put myself together, to become independent and strong…that I was to lose it all? I will not allow that to happen! (Even though unfortunately it frequently happens in my dreams. The wound is very deep.)
It’s like Frodo, in the Lord of The Rings…having been stabbed by the Nazgul. (hehe…I watched a marathon this week…) That shit never goes away. Those wounds are a part of you, and they color your view on life, people, the world. That, I suppose, is part of what makes us unique: we all have different wounds. Perhaps they are to serve as good reminders not to make the same mistake three times.